The Punchy-Talky Adventures of Meleena McFallout

Nice diction there.

wow, a cloud palace.  I needed a place to store all my rain.

Not sure if you’re  just crazy or that it really is one, because Sheogorath is also crazy.

I’m beginning to think that this city is obsessive compulsive.

Yup.

So I mess up the woman’s house.  It drives her INSSAAANNNEE

I make some amber gauntlets that.. turn out to not be very useful.  Dang

Wait a second.  THAT IS NOT HOW BLUNTNESS WORKS

This town seems to be just plain obsessive.

Good.. um.. good for you?

Even his HAIR is smiling.

I head to the town of Split.  This is J’zidzo, and his hated enemy, J’zidzo.

There’s two sets of doubles in the town.  Instead of like, just leaving or whatever, they choose to live beside each other and pissing each other off.  They also want me to kill the other side.  So I kill the Dimentia side, since I’m pro-manic.

Apparently this counts as a crime?  Really?  It’s not like it’s really murder.  I didn’t kill ALL of any one person.  It’s like, 6 counts of HALF murder.

Hey can I have a LIGHT shield please?  Thank you.

This town is just.. scared of things?  They dont seem to have much for me.

How ominous.

I apparently can’t go through since there are ghostly ghost chains.

There’s a way in back, though.  One wonders what purpose the ghostly ghost chains are if they don’t cover all the entrances.

You okay down there, ghost dude?

IT WAS THE ONE ARMED BUTLER WHAT DONE IT

I didn’t mean to insult him.  It just sort of came out.  Maybe I have ghost tourttes?

Hey, guys, can you help me with this fire?  I need a hand free.  Guys?

Dude, sorry, I had to carry this child skeleton.

Good job on that, by the way.  Place certainly isn’t full of the ghosts of those slaughtered by the intruders.  (Spoiler: it totally is)

Also the ghost of a dagger?

Okay, you know how to use an axe, right?  To chop down trees?  Imagine your enemy is a tree. 

Yes, that’ll do her a lot of good by deserting your post.

That’s.. candid of you?  Here, have this dagger.

Ghosts walking aimlessly into walls.  They can’t even HAUNT right.

You, I burned your stupid teddy bear so you don’t have to run away with it.

Alright, let’s talk to that guy who hates my guts.  He’s probably jealous since he no longer has guts.

No, dude, I’m totally count Cirion.  Fight me!

Nice, finally got a Matrix I can use.  I’d tell you what they do but.. you know what they say about being told about that.

Well thank you, I knew those minutes alchemizing would pay off with information like this.

Pants that make you better at wearing pants.

When the Dawnfang/Duskfang switches and it’s been used to kill ten people, it powers up and recharges.  It still doesnt do much damage because, well.. I’m a mage.

Did I interrupt something?  I really really hope I don’t see what I think I might see if I lower this shield.  Also: O_o

Leather goods, a set of manacles, a big bed.. I’m starting to understand what was going on here.

Hey I found an order obelisk thing.

How do I look?

Sheogorath wants to give me his power since he’s not going to be around to fight Jyggalag.
Do I get your nice coat too?

Don’t beat yourself up.  Your head isn’t that big.

I sleep and find this guy by my bed.

Who keeps a broom in a barrel?
 

Some words on failure.

OF COURSE HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO BLIND

So, my goal here is to either slaughter them mercilessly or to freak them out so much they go insane.  I’ll take option B.

The little monster becomes giant, and scares them.. one goes insane when it turns out to be an illusion.  Sheesh, dude.  Usually NOT dying is a load off.

Another goes insane by dropping a lot of keys to a treasure, and refuses to go ahead until he finds the right key.

And the third goes insane because he’s given an illusion of being dead without getting to fight.  These have to be the three weakest willed adventurers I’ve ever seen.

Yay!  I love cheese and.. awww:(

I also got this: It’s called Dawnfang.  My blade skill is like, 2, but how can I resist a sword that’s on fire that turns into a sword that’s on ice?

I also have to help the Dutchess of Dementia and the Duke of Mania.  The Dutchess thinks people are out to get her, so I have to go get the people out to get her.

MORE flair?  I HAVE A FUCKING FLAMING SWORD MADE OF GOLD THAT DRINKS BLOOD.

I get a helper who can torture people to get answers.

He walks really slowly

But he packs a mean lightning bolt.

This guy wants me to kill him but he decides to spend all day standing in front of a guard.   Mixed messages, much?

I give the conspirator to the dutchess who, well, just kills her.  A bit unceremonious really.
 
Also, remember never to give her a hug unless you want a tracheotomy. 

Why this doesn’t look suspicious at all, deep within an ancient ruin mostly full of skeletons,.

Oh look the two ‘dead’ people came to life and attacked me.  I am entirely shocked.

I’m glad this has resist disease on it or I’d be afraid to touch it.

For a plane of madness it seems pretty normal to me.  I mean it’s a nice view, but it’s not a maddeningly nice view.

It’s like a stealth boy that works forever!

BEHOLD, THE ULTIMATE MAGICAL ITEM

Putrescence, it’s what’s for dinner.

And so Mr. Gorath’s torture base is now back in action.

Now I just have to teleport out and..

Oh.  Well at least I get to have some fun!

Wow.. that’s.. pretty happy.  Can you be slightly less happy?

I’m going to say.. maybe not?

Yeah I dont really have lizard fever, but thanks anyway.

Being the only smith in town makes you the prettiest by default even with such a big underbite.

Okay, as long as the women are all mine, that good?

Sure, I’ll terratet anything you want if you make it a quest.  No?  Okay then.

NOT BAD.

How about I talk to you again after I finish saving the world and stuff?  And then punch you in the face because that’s creepy.

I wish my pants were calming.  These power armor suits chafe pretty bad.

Oh, you don’t want to talk to me?  A little MIND CONTROL should solve that problem.

That could be useful in a very specific situation.

For example, imagine you are trying to walk on acid but the air is poisonous!  Just put a water tank on your head!

Or, an underground river.  These things do exist you know, it has to do with-

Sorry, sorry.  This game is about magic, not science like real life.

I’m sure I won’t have not forgotten yet when we previously meet after before.

Have you tried steam?

WHYYYYYYYYYY

I know, right?  I am AWESOME

The walls fly away (apparently made of butterflies?) and leave me out in the wilderness.

Of giant spiky mushrooms.

Letifer Orca Digestive Slime is a pretty good name for a band.

Are you really, Shelden?  I guess you are the best at wearing purple armor

There’s a giant guy blocking the gate, who, uh.. is way too powerful.  Need to use some strategy here.

Hey you, want to tell me how to kill the gatekeeper?  No?  Would a little mind control make you feel more up to it?

Before I continue I decide to rush back home to make myself a hot chick.

Also I make some more spells.

Remind me not to kill myself.  Standing around on a boring hill forever seems like it would suck.

They allso call me Yngvar Hair-Receeder, Yngvar No-Shirt, Yngvar Spell-name, Yngvar Big-Pommel.. lots of names really

This guy is pretty nice, except he’s afraid of the walls falling down.  Everyone else has some sort of strange quirk like this, you’d almost think we were in the REALM OF MADNESS or something.

Oh, you don’t beleive me?  I wouldn’t do anything duplicitous!

For example I’m definitely not going to mind control you to make you agree with me.

Another satisfied customer.  Elfeena brand Mind Control (tm) - it solves all of life’s problems, or at least makes you beleive they don’t exist.

And here is the man himself, Sheogorath, Daedric prince of Madness.  I’d bow before him if I knew what button that was.

Alright guys, let’s fight these hell monsters!  Let me just ready my big fireball spell..

Uh.  Sorry.  Oops.

Onward, seahorse!

Oh, convenient.  This place that some realtive left to me apparently belonged to.. a vampire assassin?  Who cured his vampirism?

OH GOD YES I WANT TO SEE THE SUN AGAIN

So I’m trying to get the orrerrerrerry.. these guys all have random dwarven artifacts but also randomly have a lot of silver items and silver weapons and stuff. Maybe they’re anti-werewolf bandits?

The orrerryrerry gives me a buff.  Okay.  Some of these things seem.. less than useful.

Screw all this, I’m going to see a CRAZY DOOR

I’m walkin’ on waaa-tterr.. woo oooh

That certainly is a strange door.

Someone comes out of the door..

Gibbers crazily and attacks the other guy

And jump off a cliff together.  I dont know guys, it almost seems like these people are a little weird.

See?

Madam, I respectfully disagree with your assessment!

I go through the door and talk to a guy who won’t talk to me unless I sit down.  Apparently I’m in the Shivering Isles, the plane of Madness, ruled by lord Sheogorath.  Remember when I said I liked that guy?  I GET TO MEET HIM.

Speak “Neyond Twyll Riellesel” and Enter

Yup, you’re not crazy at all.

Deck the halls with a weird stoooonne Var la la la la la, la la la la la

being that I am a frail mage with no arm strength, I need to make a spell to help me here.

Also, too many locked doors..

Oh.  I guess I have to come back later..

Mental note, be careful when clicking the mouse or a mage might start trying to punch me to death.

I’m going to head and try to find this “Orrery” stuff.  On the way I come across Kvatch, who have apparently had bad times.

REALLY bad times.  PORTAL TO HELL kind of bad times.

So, I go to hell. Seems like the thing to do.

All these corridors look the same, so I dont know why this one is particularly dark salvationy.

Maybe I should start going for light armor.. this cloth stuff just isn’t doing it for me, and look, MAGIC HAT

Apparently the portal is powered by this thing, so I stop it.

Fortunately I get warped back to the real world because otherwise I’d be stuck.

Huh, so I’m apparently a vampire now?  This sucks.

Seriously, it’s like they weren’t even trying.

A pressure plate with tiny holes all over it.  This looks perfectly safe to me!

As does this perfectly innocent squashed blood stain.

And these.. swinging axes.. okay you’re not even trying to hide these any more.

I have acquired an artifact!  It is a helmet!  

I’m told to fetch a book which is right insdie a building like 20 feet away.  Seriously?  I can shoot fire from my hands and this is my job?

If you only get Resist Poison Blue or Resist Poison Green you can’t collect all the poisons.

This skeleton obviously is a CONVICTED CRIMINAL!

Meh.

They really did a bad job with this door.  It’s like half in the ground.

Now my hands are that much burnier!

I can see nothing wrong with taking a nap on this sacrificial altar.

Let me explain what is at stake and WHY I AM IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD ABOUT IT

Glowy thing!

Dinosaur thing!

Rock thing!

I killed an ogre who had potatoes.  Apparently this is important?

Oh god!  You really need a smaller face bucket.

Oh no, Zahrasha is dead!  Wait, was Zahrasha the one I was here to find?  I don’t remember.

Yeah well your MOM is a novice retort.

Man I wish I had magic in real life.  This is pretty awesome.

I love Skull On Hands, it’s the best band ever.

Not a fan?

Hello, this is Door.

“Chironasium”?  I know you guys can like, make fire out of nothing, but you can’t just make words out of nothing.

Oh, I have to wait for a day for you to finish my staff?

I’ll just WAIT RIGHT HERE STANDING

You could say I’m finally a full staff member.

Wizard marriages are strange.

Of course.. taxes.. that’s how a helmet works!

KA-BLAST

I’m following this guy and go through a door and suddenly there’s like a giant pile of people.

I had a god once.  He ate my slippers and pooped on the rug!  Wait, I meant dog.

Yeah they wear these robes.  They weren’t.  SORRY for missing that.

Wait so..

The inscriptions and book match up and NOBODY THOUGHT TO TRY THIS!?

For mages you guys are IDIOTS.

Well this is, not exactly useful for me, but it fits on my finger so whatever.

Does Nistor know you’re selling his boots?

Carmen Litte?  More like Caramel Latte.

Since she’s like, the colors?  Whatever you guys don’t know how to laugh.

Can I just say it’s really weird how surprised everyone is about the ban on Necromancy?  They raise rotting corpses to do their bidding as slaves.  It’s not that surprising that people would be morally opposed.

I have ascended to the fourth eschelon of magery!

So what, is this so the wizard president can give speeches?

Apparently there was something going on in there that I’d like to know about.

This is what dog walking looked like in the obliviony times, when dogs were wolves and leashes were not anything.

I’m sure you two will do fine, but I’ll help you just the same.

Alright men, ready!

Woops.

Well that’s not ominous at all.

And apparently an almond.

So I have to help this guy in his dreams..

AND IF I DIE IN THE DREAM I DIE FOR REAL
AND IF HE DIES IN THE DREAM I DIE FOR REAL

Even if I have my spinny top with me?  BWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW

Speaking of dreams, I have this reoccuring dream in which I’m falling.

Oh, apparently this guy has that dream too.

That’s an odd hobby.  ”This job is so boring.  HEY YOU WANNA CONJURE?”

Nothing like a little magical mind control to get a job done.

TADA!  I am now an apprentice at the university of magic!  Oh dear.. do they have a Frosh week?

Apparently the UNIVERSITY still only has NOVICE equipment.  EVEN THE ARCHMAGE.  Did I join magic community college?

I return to my trusty (yet empty) tower to head out to the next Mage guild.

‘

You know, I should quit magery and become a beauty product salesman.  I could really clean up (their pores) in that business.

Thanks.  Before we continue, aren’t your pointy ears uncomfortable under that hood?

Once upon a time there was a mage and a merchant.  The merchant said, “Behold, the true cloak of ghosts!”

“But I cannot see it” the mage replied.
“Of course, it is invisible, like a ghost” replied the merchant.
“Even using powerful seeing spells, I cannot see it!”
“Of course, it is an artifact of great power.  Mortal magic cannot pierce it.”
“I also cannot feel it.”
“It is also intangible, like a ghost.”
Considering this, the mage paid a handsome pile of money to own such a powerful artifact.

And that’s how this mage’s guild ended up with an extremely heavily locked display case with nothing in it.

Because if you’ve got nothing, why not show it off.

Oh hey, FANTASY SMUT.  So is this like, a fantasy fantasy?

Nothing worse than a premature trap.  Some traps just need to learn some endurance.

I should go find Mrs. Marauder and tell her that her dear husband, Dead, is dead.

Just a shot of what I currently am sporting.  I need a better hat.

I’m being followed around by a bunch of dumb scamps that don’t do anything.  Apparently this staff belongs to the Deadric Lord of Madness.  Sounds like my kinda guy.

This conjurer just kind of randomly attacks me.  Should have conjured up some better plans.

Hey lady I think you might be having an allergic reaction to something.  Maybe it’s that other lady’s intense stare?

You know, I feel bad about those legion guys I just blew up.  They deserve the personal Meleena touch.

And by touch, I mean beating.

Savor these, they’re some of the last beatings you’ll see from me…

He’s just this Gaius, you know?

For a place called “dry wells” I haven’t seen a single well, dry or otherwise.

And look, water.  That’s not dry.  I got here by boat, even!

And thus ends my last tale of the Mohave (and surrounding area…)

To recap:

I was shot in the head

Then I stole a hat and a pool cue

Then I got stuck in the mountains.

Then I got killed by bees.

Then I beat up some guys.

Then I met Cass and she taught me how to drink properly.

Then I slept with the guy who shot me.

Then I killed the guy who shot me.

Then I joined the NCR, the Brotherhood of Steel, and helped the remnants of the Enclave.

There was some business with a dinosaur, a space pavilion, and a power station.

Then I found out Deathclaws are bastards.

I also accidentally killed some people but they’re okay with it.

Seriously You Guys, Deathclaws are Bastards.

Then I killed Caesar and House.  I never liked their salads anyway.

I was trapped in the Sierra Madre by an insane guy.

Then I was hunted down in Utah by some insane tribal.

Then I was trapped in a crater by some insane brains (including my own)

Then I was lead to somewhere I accidentally blew up by an insane guy.

Then I saved the President.

Then I kicked the legate out of the Mohave.

Then I was named Grand Queen of the World and offered seven harems.

Okay that last one is a lie.

Tune in tomorrow and I’ll play some more Oblivion.

More like.. Dead.. not claws.  Yeah, burn.

I hope that water is clean, wouldn’t want to contaminate the environment.

Jackie, how many times have I told you not to leave your computer on the floor like this!

I guess if you’ve had that much radiation then a little fire is less a big deal.

EPIC HIGH FIVE

Hey!  Quit hogging all the temples!

Everybody dance! {>^’^>} {<^’^<} 

Are you tired, listless, and have no get up and go?  Ask your doctor if punching a robot is right for you!

ED-E!  You’re back!  Beep beep beep to you too, buddy.

And so we enter the holy hall of nuclear weapons.

This guy is such an insane idiot.

Fortunately I know how to talk to people.  Just nuking everyone, that’s a bad idea, dude.  Let’s fight marked men instead.

Mighty Floatin’ Eyebot Rangers! 

Although, come to think of it..

The Legion are right bastards so.. what the hell.

Thanks, Mr. Insane Voice!

I wouldn’t call it mercyless.  A lot of them probably died instantly.

This is gonna be such a great pick-up line… “Hey want to see my eagle stick?”